Clear Is Kind. So Why Are We Still Being Called Bossy?

Something that keeps coming up for myself and in conversations with other female founders is how women who value direct communication often get labeled as bossy or “too much”. Today on the podcast, I share why clear communication has become one of my deepest values, how it has shaped my leadership, and why kindness and honesty can absolutely exist together.

If we truly believe that clear is kind, then we have to stop punishing women for speaking with conviction. This episode is an invitation to rethink the stories we tell about strong female leaders, embrace uncomfortable conversations with integrity, and create space for women to use their voices without apology. If this conversation resonates, share it with your business bestie and come tell me your thoughts on Instagram @Kimberley.Hiebert, because I’d love to hear your experience.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Found Her, the podcast for women who build empires, break barriers, and blaze trails all while fighting themselves. These are bestie level conversations from behind the scenes, the real work, the messy middle, and the wins that last. I'm Kimberly Hebert, founder, franchise builder, wife, mom, and Grammy, and a woman who has done the inner work while building the outer winds. Here we talk business, identity, relationships, and the kind of growth that cracks you open, then puts you back together. Stronger, better. This is your space to rise as a founder and as your truest self. Let's dive in. Okay, ladies. This one is gonna be short and spicy, but lately I've been having a conversation, many conversations, over and over. And this morning when I was on my walk, I was listening to a podcast with Gary Vee and Emma Grade. Is that how you pronounce your last? Emma Gard, Emma Grade from on Aspire. Sorry if I butchered her name. And the conversation came up again between them. And it's a conversation I've been having with some other podcast guests, other females, and also my own experience. And this is about as a female being direct, having a value system of direct uh communication. Sorry, I'm all tongue-tied already. This whole notion that, you know, we hear these like, I value direct communication, um, or I prefer for direct communication because I don't want to play those games. Uh, clear is kind. Um, what are some of the other cliches that are spoken a lot? I hear women saying this a lot. And then here's the feedback that happens when women say this. When women say, I prefer to, I prefer clear, kind, or clear, direct communication, or I am a direct communicator, or I tell people I need direct communication. Like be clear. When women are like this, when women speak like this, when women ask for this, when women act like this, this is what happens. People instantly say, you are bossy, you are aggressive, you are uh a steamroller. I mean, these uh this is all projection right now because this is the experience I have. So the one thing that I am 100% true to my whole entire life, but as I've gotten older, especially in these last, I would say eight years, I've gotten more and more clear and grounded in that I really truly value being direct. Now, being direct does not mean being mean. And I don't know why. If this is just a female thing, I mean, I can only speak to that because that's my lived experience, but that when we are direct and say what we mean, that that is considered being mean. Now, there is a way where you can be a dickhead being direct, where you could be mean being direct. But because you're clearly communicating what you need to say, especially as a leader, as a female leader, it is considered steamrolling. Um, these are the things that I've been accused of: steamrolling, talking over, um, not listening, bossy, controlling, you know, all of these really aggressive, really unbecoming characteristics or adjectives, if you will. And I, you know, in my defense of being a direct communicator, unless I am with my husband and we are having like a massive argument and I am just like going up, typically I am never disrespectful, I am never mean, I am not name-calling, I am not shouting, I am not speaking over. You know, when I deliver direct communication, and many, many other women I'm having these conversations with, when they deliver direct communication, they're not they're not being mean about it, they're not adding insult and character assassination and ignorance and all those things to it. They're just stating what they need to clearly communicate. And I'm finding that women are constantly being held. Women are holding other women to a, I want to say a double standard. And I see this happening within women. Now, there are some men that be like, oh, you're a direct communicator, that can be a little uh off-putting. And I'm just finding it really frustrating as someone who truly values direct communication. I can, if it's gonna be uncomfortable for me to hear, you know, a little warning of like this is gonna be an uncomfortable conversation, so that I can kind of adjust my expectations so that I can slow things down in my head and give space and room to hear what needs to be said without kind of my without my ego rearing up, or sometimes I might need a couple of minutes to absorb what's being said. Um, but that that being said, I truly value when somebody says, I need to talk to you about something, and that they're really clear about what they want to talk. I appreciate that so much, even though it could be uncomfortable. I might not like what I'm hearing, but I appreciate it because number one, I know it takes guts. Number two, it's not about they're not being mean. If they're if somebody's coming to me saying, hey, I really need to talk to you about something, chances are they're not gonna be name-calling me character assassination, none of this. So I don't understand when like I truly, truly, honestly get gobsmacked when I tell people, friends, teammates, uh, my partner, whoever it is, that I really need clear communication. To me, that is the kindest that you can be. You can deliver it kindly. You don't have to be, like I said, you don't have to be a dick about it. Um, you don't have to uh add character assassination and weaponize it. Um, but it can be delivered in a way because I find that's the kindest thing for me. So then expectations are clear and they're adjusted. And if I'm missing something as a leader, I can see it. Now I might not agree with the communication, but I value that what you're that you're gonna be direct with me. But like I said, here's what happens is so I value that and I truly 100% mean it. So that's the way I operate in relationships. I will then be direct with you in a relationship. And whether that's mentoring, whether that's coaching, teammate, friends, partner, I will be direct. But here's what I'm finding is other women then call me that I'm being bossy. So it's other women that are re-stigmatizing the women who are being clear, direct communicators. And I want I want to implore all of us to stop doing that. Stop fucking telling the story that if somebody's a direct communicator, they're being mean, that they are uh bossy, that they are bitchy, that they are aggressive. That is not the case. I want us, for you who really truly believes that direct communication and clearest kind, that those are the ways to deliver. If you are a female believing that, when somebody delivers a clear, direct message to you in a kind way where they are not tearing apart your character, they're not yelling and screaming, they're not demanding, they're not belittling, none of that kind of stuff. They're just delivering information, communicating with you in a, and it might be something that you're uncomfortable with. Stop telling people that that woman is bossy, that that woman is controlling, that that woman is shutting you up or stopping you or whatever it is. I I can't, I can't tell you how many conversations I've had lately that this keeps coming up. And so today I just thought I would jump on the microphone and share this. Like for me, I truly, this is my true value. I've been tested on it a million times, a million ways to Sunday. I have been tested on this. And time and time again, it is what will actually break a relationship in my world. Um, because my the people that come into relationship with me, I don't think they truly, really believe um that I live and die by being clear and direct, but also kind. I'm not being a dick. Like I said, you might not like what I'm saying, and that's okay. I might not like what you're saying, and that's okay. It might take us a beat if we're in a relationship where we need to find a place of unity. Just because we have different views on something doesn't mean we're oppositional. Just because we need to communicate to find an alignment in that doesn't mean one is mean and nasty and bossy and bitchy and controlling and the other isn't. But here's what I've come to understand. So I would say I've had one, two, sorry, I'm counting in my head. One, two, three, four very crucial relationships over the course of the last 10 years. Very crucial relationships to me, where that direct communication on my end has actually ended the relationships because the people on the other end truly didn't understand the depths of how important that is to me. And they also couldn't match that level of direct communication for whatever reason. This is not a negative on them. Um, because of course everybody has their own level of comfort, I get it. But um, and so when I say I live this, this is truly like my number one thing, and it has I have seen it and four very important relationships because the desire to communicate clearly and directly was not matched um with the same level of commitment that I had. And I finally understand this term. So my husband will say to me, Sometimes you're too much. And I would get irritated. I'm like, what does that mean? I'm not too much. I don't know what that means. I don't challenge people, but it's not that. It's my too much, is that I'm willing to have those uncomfortable, direct conversations that are still kind, that still respect and hold us all to a higher level of integrity that doesn't destroy or cut down. I'm willing to have all those. I'm willing to move all through for the people that I'm in relationship with. And that is what makes me too much because not very many other people are like that. That's what I have found out. And so today, in this little short and spicy little um reminder, it's be clear, be direct, but more important and do it like radically, radical communication, clear, concise, direct, but be kind when doing it. Don't deliver it in anger, don't deliver it in negative sarcasm, don't deliver it in um bathed in fake niceties. Call it for what it is, be kind as a human because we're all still humans being humans, and work through the difference, whatever it is. So that's number one. Number two, stop defining other women who are clear direct communicators, stop defining them as bossy, as bitchy, as aggressive, as cold. Stop it. Just stop it. Uh, unless somebody is being those things, don't reframe it because you're uncomfortable with clear, direct communication. So that's my charge to you all on this day, whenever it is you hear this little spicy episode. Um, but also share your thoughts with me. Are you somebody that values direct, clear communication, that you really, really stand by? Clear is kind. It's not just a logo on a shirt, a hat, uh, you know, a bumper sticker or whatever a social media post. But if that truly is your value, I want to hear from you. I want to hear what your experience has been like when you get challenged. When other people say they value that, but they don't really, or that they use it against you to redefine who they think you are. And so I just think as women, our jobs are really our jobs, we don't have jobs. I don't mean that. As women, what we need to do is we really need to support each other in finding our voice, in finding our rhythm, in finding our um place where we are not quieting our voice, but we also are not taking people down or stripping people apart or tearing their character. We can't it we can't do that. Um, that's just that's just not a kind human. So um let's start here first. Let's start within ourselves and then within the people we're in relationship with. But like I said, I'd love to hear from you. Thanks for tuning in to Found Her today. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Found Her podcast. If you've enjoyed it, please, please, please leave me a review, subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes, and more importantly, please share with your business bestie. You can join our newsletter, find me on Instagram, all the places. I would love to hear your feedback and connect with you during your journey of building your legacy.